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Thursday, 16 December 2010

Going For Council

Right this might be a complete crack pot idea and I have had many of those like Robbing Reliant F1, where we take Robbin reliant cars and replace their engines F1 engines. Which I know is ridiculous and so very dangerous, trust me it would kill by the millions, having little little wobbly 3 wheelers with 500 horse power engines is never a good idea.

But anyway the idea I have is one seen in as many ways nowhere near as dangerous, which is that I might run for council, I know that will have some people running in fear and blow up my ego to about 20 times the size it is, trust me its big.

I am not sure of how to go about doing it, I dint have much in the way of funds and I sometimes am completely overwhelmed by tasks in hand or Hope to get my voice across in the right way. For some people I am way too loud and maybe a bit obnoxious.

There are some key issues that I feel very passionate about, like the fact that people in Bristol seem to concentrate on the past on not on the here and now. like when ever I have spoken to people about music in Bristol, they go oh yeah Massive Attack, Portishead, Tricky blah blah blah and not see some of the fantastic bands that we have around now. i could list hundreds of great Bristol bands but I wont because I would probably lose the point that I am trying to make.

I personally feel that people from Bristol under sell themselves, I know this is something I have suffered with myself ala being unemployed pretty much my entire life, this is partly because I have never had a clear sense of direction. I will admit to being a complete ethereal dreamer and sometimes tend to get side tracked by my emotions.

Its like what my friend Joe said when we were having a discussion last night, what generally starts in Bristol dies in Bristol. Its almost like as we fear where we are from or live, we are completely embarrassed to admit where we are from.

If all the cities were school kids then, then London and Manchester would be big brash School bullies, Birmingham would be the hard kid and little ol Bristol would be the whimpish kid in the corner constantly looking down on its self, feeling scared of everyone else.

People do have the tendency to judge people on where they are from, we are generally seen by the outside world of Bristol as hippy, raving, peace loving nut cases. now this

Of course it is important not to forget the way Bristol has shaped this country in the past. I mean lest we forget that Bristol had a huge part to play in the fight for equal rights especially within different racial backgrounds.

Bristol used to be a really radical city, it was only back in the mid nineties that the st Pauls riots were kicking off. these were riots which would shape the Cities social and political divisions.

Maybe I am thinking to much about the past here, I don't know. but it almost feels like we don't know how to celebrate this city for all the great things that it has given us. we forget how great Bristolians are with humour I mean we are some of the most sarcastic people on the planet, some of the biggest names in UK stand up have cut their teeth in Bristol. I have got my sense of humour from people in this city.
Anyone who spends more then half an hour with me will realise I am as sarcastic as anything, even in making serious points.

As many people will know I love this city, I think it has some of the most amazing people in the planet, but it seems to lead by council that in general promotes it like as if it is London, meaning that Bristol has lost its sense of identity.

This may come across as big words from a jobless gob shite, I would like to promote Bristol in a positive way and that we are not just flower power hippies or drug taking maniacs. We are far more then just that

Sorry if I am over running this with stereotypes and it is probably foolish to do so, but this is how I think we are perceived by other cities.
I mean we may not be London or Manchester but we can make a difference, or I would like to make difference, wouldn't that be great thing to tell people that everybody counts.

I would like to try and represent people who may not hae the confidence to speak out. I guess I want to throw myself into the ring because I feel that I have got a lot to offer the council.

As a member of art and Power I am regularly in contact with people who aren't really being listened to by representatives for the council, weather they are people who suffer with disability or suffer social exclusion due to issues with self esteem

I am a member of a disabled arts group called Art and Power, who are an amazing arts organisation that have really helped to support artists who suffer with disabilities or social problems of one sort or another. They have really helped me out and developed me as a person.

Its like as if they gave me a bit of a purpose or a drive to say I am good at something.I probably wouldn't be here breathing on this planet if it wasn't for them, if you have read some of my poetry then most of the stuff you have read by me was written in the Creative writing group.

Its also thanks to these guys that I have been able to take myself a bit more seriously and discovered that I am a good performance poet and that sometimes I can see things in people, kind of like good qualities and I can be quite perspectives of people.

Your probably thinking there was a lot of ands in that last paragraph, which yes there was a lot of ands in that last paragraph, sometimes I use that word because I don't know how to link things together and I know by this point that I am warbling away from the stakes I was trying to raise.

I know that some people already see me as cultural icon, it is something that i was not prepared for in life, I don't think anyone could really be prepared for it.
If I was to brand my name about then I would like to use it for good things and not just for being a bit of a dancing weirdo who finds it hard to string together conversations sometimes.

I love helping characters to develop, I have seen many great things in people, if you are my friends reading this then you are great people, because I dont accept assholes.

Wouldn't it be amazing if we had a confident Bristol and not have one that is shouted at by its council. I mean not to have ago at the council members, because i don't like belittling people or using bully boy tactics which has taken politics from the public grasp. its also why I have never been a great business man and I am a completely irreverent day dreamer.

I am not quite sure what I would offer in a manifesto just yet, its something I have to put a lot more thought into and how do I word it, because it will have to appeal to both the ordinary public joe and to people and to people who like supposed 'sexed up dossiers'.

I don't know what people in the media mean when they use the term 'sexed up dossiers, its sounds a bit like an over the top MNS advert, you can just imagine it with the Torrie party which is quite frankly wrong in every sense of the word. Must get that David Cameron voice out of my head, because it is so wrong, no men with orange skin are not trust able.

I dont know how to write such things, this is partly because I have never written anything like manifesto, I mean i have written lists of dreams before, but not promises. I feel it might be like writing a death will if I croak it, or it could be a complete revelation.

I mean we might even be able to challenge the Torrie's with question like how much of a pay cut are they getting for all their fat pigged MPs? and how is cutting funding on all education by 80% going to get us out of the recession?. The way that the current government is leading us to a 3rd world styled education.

I know i wont be able to change much if anything on my own, but I would like to say that I have given it a go and not just been a moaning armchair fluesy complaining all the time.

I guess that I could be either amazing and inspire everyone or be or let my anxiety get to me an whimper about.

You may read this and think I am on about going on an egotistical trip, but all I can say is that I want to make a difference.

Sunday, 12 December 2010

Sex and its Frustrations

Ok so this is probably going to be me embarrassing myself, but I am going to talk about something that I have no experience in, and that being sex and or sexual relationships. now this may surprise people because most of you out there probably think I am an ultra confident person when it comes to dealing with the ladies.

I mean I might occasionaly be able to talk in confident tones, but in reality I am not a very confident person, especially not at inter relating with people of the opposite sex. It may surprise some of you for me to say that I am a virgin, I am not one out of choice so much as it is about circumstances, like situations where I have felt uncomfortable. It doesn't help me that I have quite a low opinion of myself.

You may think why am I writing about this, its just the other night I had a conversation with a friend called Charlotte about Sex. she was surprised by my honesty, as I expect some of you maybe as well. it basically boiled down to her saying how much she enjoyed having sex, you have got to find a pretty girl and just go for it she said, this to me is like setting a mission impossible.

You see I am not the sort of person who finds it easy to be confident around people, girls especially. its like as if there is some loose wiring in my head which goes into auto dysfunction, like a voice going don't say that to the pretty lady she wont want to hear it from a fat oafish person like me and sort of a chat up line will just sound like a deranged pervert.

I mean sometimes getting a simple hello out of me is bit like poking a dead budgie, you may have heard me use this expression before, but it really is relevant in these situations because no matter how hard you poke it it aint going to budge.

For instance if I was in a bar and I saw some pretty lady that I wanted to say hello to I would probably wait while and in that time she would more then likely have some male who is more attractive and confident then me, this can often lead to me feeling like a waist of space.

Charlotte said that for her confidence has nothing to do with doing it, where as to me it really has everything to do with it. I guess I make this point because confidence does affect my over view of life, I mean I know that if I am confident then I am more relaxed around people.

I struggle to be assertive with people, this is why I do not exude confidence towards people in some ways. So I find quite often that I am accidentally excluding myself from a lot of social situations, like group conversations.

A lot of those sort of things just fly over my head, I am never any good at making small talk. This is usually is because I am completely petrified that I will only disappoint people and that I wont be able to live up to their expectations.

It doesn't help me that every girl I have tried to ask out has pretty much rejected me! I even tried internet dating and that was a massive flop, you know joining upto sites that said they free. Free my ass, because as soon as you wanted to message someone then up would pop a thing saying you had to pay monthly! it doesnt help that I am on the dole in that case.

I guess part of my struggles are to do with questioning what do girls really see in me, I know I am a nice guy and all that, but quite often I feel like I need to be more then what I am.

I know that last paragraph probably sounds ignorant self be moaning and all that.
I have had opportunities to sees the initiative with people, but I have just been to scared, you see I could be sleeping in a bed with the worlds hottest girl and I would still be to scared to do anything about it!.

I guess its to do with some of the male images that I tend to see around me, I mean lets face it I am not a skinny indie hipster, I am quite a flabby person really and I am not also a macho person, I am way too sensitive to be macho.

I don't really drink because drinking can make me really depressed, so I just feel feeble and embarrassed!

For me music has replaced sex, or always been in place of sex. This is why I tend to have more of an emotional and sexual connection with music then I do with people, this is because with music it doesn't judge me as a person, I don't have to pretend to be anything else other then me.

Friday, 3 December 2010

Wank Staind Walls

The frustration builds out of me when I see a room full of inanimate objects. nothing makes sense unless you can understand the posh jargon, written in a condescending way to those who don't understand it.

Picking up a leaflet saying that XYZ and artist is trying to explore the boundaries that we surround ourselves with, by looking at the daily fabric of life, or other such over flowered ways to describe vast spaces of emptiness, with maybe too boxes in it or something.

If you haven't cottoned onto what I am talking about, and I don't blame you!, I am talking about concept art and its de valued effect on the nature of creativity. Or specificity how I feel when I am at openings in the venues like the Arnolfini.

In my opinion concept art is generally like the artistic version of leprosy, the sort of thing you don't want to be locked in a room with because you fear it might infect you like a plague.

It has tendency's to lecture you because you are not the intellectual enough to have listened to all of Gershwins works. I mean I am quite an intellectual person, I just dont like being talked down too. which is the exact feeling I get at openings in the Arnolfini.

I mean there are a number of problems with this place anyway, its cold and unfriendly, the layout is all wrong and makes it extremely excluding for some people. I mean whos idea was it to put a big black piece of boarding stuff up with pretentious words written in red on the entrance to their cafe?. I makes look like your entering into a scene from Star wars and not into a place where you just want to have a coffee or something to eat.

You have to be a certain type of eccentric to get Concept Arts mass in joke. You know you have to have mass gelled up hair, brightly coloured cloths with thick rimmed glasses screaming look at me I'm mad and a creative type. when actually they just look like dodgy extras from Skins and proclaim to be much brighter then you actually are.

Everyone has to speak in an ultra condescending manor and pretend to be more intelligent then anyone else, turning their noses on people who do genuinely talk outside the box a bit.

Oh leave me alone, I can feel myself when such a skin twitching individual approaches me, in his crass over the top kind of thing.

I stair around a blank room where a blood stained string is shoddily tied from one side of the room to another. Looking at the badly written description, it is the carp Diem of the bodies lost in drugs war. I shudder to think what that means.

Isn't this exciting art, is it heck. If this is exciting Art
in exclamation marks, then I feel the world of art I belong to is invalid. Its almost like Nazism where everything is cold and sterile, all emotions dead. Its like as if creativity has almost been beaten out of colour, whipped, chained or starved and drilled into set shapes.

Your all spastics for thinking differently, I can hear everybody clatter with the chinks of glasses, clamouring that I can not be calling myself an artist because I don't look like them with their thick rimmed glasses. all dressed the same with the snobby side partings staring at wank stained Walls.

'This is the wall of love' said one person, 'I painted using my knob, its the only way I could get my circular effects and my spray upon the wall' he said doing a circular wrist action.

This is a statement on common life said another person with a cock for his head,n I mean the room was looked with dust cases, how can it be a statement on common life. Its like as if the sort of thing a 5 year old could have done but without any of the charm.

I find myself paralysed with fear when I am in a room with these people, there is something about them which makes my skin crawl. could it be a crass fakeness I get from these people?, I mean I get the sense they are often playing up to me with a smarmie voice pinning me down! Fuck off I can hear myself screaming out loud but I am way too polite to say it out loud. I feel like punching most of the people around me, but yet again I would never act in such a way.

At a bar where I can see Arrogance and his friends Ignorance and Self Indulgence, talking in their self important ways of how great they are, whilst swilling clavier!.
come here I can hear them say in condescending tones, they eyes try to read me with scrutinising looks. he thinks differently to us I could hear them say with an attoned feeling of disgust in their voices.

One by one they come towards me, 'You will believe with us this is art' I can hear them say sounding like the Mysterons from Captain Scarlet. I can feel myself panic when they call this stuff art.

I mean please where ever all these skin crawling people come out from can we tell them to go back under those rocks. I am not thick, I do have a learning difficulty and I am an artist.

On the whole I hate the world of concept art and its cold condescending feeling of places like the Arnolfini, I mean I get on fine with most of the people there Ijust find there is a horrible coldness about the place.

If this is art then I may as well hang myself!