Ok so this is probably going to be me embarrassing myself, but I am going to talk about something that I have no experience in, and that being sex and or sexual relationships. now this may surprise people because most of you out there probably think I am an ultra confident person when it comes to dealing with the ladies.
I mean I might occasionaly be able to talk in confident tones, but in reality I am not a very confident person, especially not at inter relating with people of the opposite sex. It may surprise some of you for me to say that I am a virgin, I am not one out of choice so much as it is about circumstances, like situations where I have felt uncomfortable. It doesn't help me that I have quite a low opinion of myself.
You may think why am I writing about this, its just the other night I had a conversation with a friend called Charlotte about Sex. she was surprised by my honesty, as I expect some of you maybe as well. it basically boiled down to her saying how much she enjoyed having sex, you have got to find a pretty girl and just go for it she said, this to me is like setting a mission impossible.
You see I am not the sort of person who finds it easy to be confident around people, girls especially. its like as if there is some loose wiring in my head which goes into auto dysfunction, like a voice going don't say that to the pretty lady she wont want to hear it from a fat oafish person like me and sort of a chat up line will just sound like a deranged pervert.
I mean sometimes getting a simple hello out of me is bit like poking a dead budgie, you may have heard me use this expression before, but it really is relevant in these situations because no matter how hard you poke it it aint going to budge.
For instance if I was in a bar and I saw some pretty lady that I wanted to say hello to I would probably wait while and in that time she would more then likely have some male who is more attractive and confident then me, this can often lead to me feeling like a waist of space.
Charlotte said that for her confidence has nothing to do with doing it, where as to me it really has everything to do with it. I guess I make this point because confidence does affect my over view of life, I mean I know that if I am confident then I am more relaxed around people.
I struggle to be assertive with people, this is why I do not exude confidence towards people in some ways. So I find quite often that I am accidentally excluding myself from a lot of social situations, like group conversations.
A lot of those sort of things just fly over my head, I am never any good at making small talk. This is usually is because I am completely petrified that I will only disappoint people and that I wont be able to live up to their expectations.
It doesn't help me that every girl I have tried to ask out has pretty much rejected me! I even tried internet dating and that was a massive flop, you know joining upto sites that said they free. Free my ass, because as soon as you wanted to message someone then up would pop a thing saying you had to pay monthly! it doesnt help that I am on the dole in that case.
I guess part of my struggles are to do with questioning what do girls really see in me, I know I am a nice guy and all that, but quite often I feel like I need to be more then what I am.
I know that last paragraph probably sounds ignorant self be moaning and all that.
I have had opportunities to sees the initiative with people, but I have just been to scared, you see I could be sleeping in a bed with the worlds hottest girl and I would still be to scared to do anything about it!.
I guess its to do with some of the male images that I tend to see around me, I mean lets face it I am not a skinny indie hipster, I am quite a flabby person really and I am not also a macho person, I am way too sensitive to be macho.
I don't really drink because drinking can make me really depressed, so I just feel feeble and embarrassed!
For me music has replaced sex, or always been in place of sex. This is why I tend to have more of an emotional and sexual connection with music then I do with people, this is because with music it doesn't judge me as a person, I don't have to pretend to be anything else other then me.