Sometimes I question myself, What is it like to confidently promote yourself as being good at myself, I mean I have some pretty good attributes, like my ability to make up poems on the spot and do crazy surrealistic drawings.
I guess one of my problems is that I am just too damn cynical when it comes to judging myself, I have an amazing way of turning away peoples complements. I f I get complemented at all about my looks then I just blush and kind of turn away, its not an arrogance or an ignorance thing. It all comes down to me having a fear of success, I know your probably thinking why do I fear success!.
Those of you who know me, know that I am one of the most self depreciating people around. If someone asked me to list all the things I am good at, I would probably spend most of my time listing off all the things I am not good at, I mean I am generally pretty bad at approaching people, making contact with others or asking for things!
I went down to the Foals gig the other night in the Academy in Bristol, I have personally seen this band a good 8 or 9 times. I even ended up having a lock-in with them after one of their gigs in Bristol a couple of years ago.
Well anyway I turned up at geek o'clock ie about 3 in the afternoon. I call it geek o'clock because it is the time when the only people about would be nerdy autograph collectors and blaggers like myself.
We would all loiter around praying that x y z a person would show their heads, because around at that time there would not be screaming hordes blaring in their faces, just sadly depraved people like myself.
I must admit I do wait around a lot, its like as if band stalking is my full time profession. I mean it doesn't earn me any money, but it has been known to get me into places because I am extremely skint.
If I was too pay for everything I went to then I would probably be spending in excess of £20,000 a year, that's the equivalent wage of a decent office job.
You probably all think that's all a bit too excessive but I do have a relationship with live music, which is a bit like a moth too the flame, you know when you see something you just have to be down the front to be a part of it. ~its probably also one of the main reasons why I have never had a girlfriend.
You see I have the patience of a saint, or even more patience. Its just that having patience of a saint doesn't really impress people, this is partly because I tend to social alienate myself a bit to much, I have never found it easy to fit in with people, which may surprise some but not others.
So that's where you will see me is down the front of the show bouncing like a deranged lunatic, or spasticated daddy Long Legs, with shoddily cut hair lolloping in peoples faces.
It has also earned me a certain amount of publicity, some of which is not really heeded. it can get quite surreal because there are situations where I am starstruck by the artist or band and then there will be kids who are starstruck of me!
It feels like as if at times I am stuck in a weird perpetual circle where I often feel like as if I am being an inconvenience to the artist and then being idolised by screaming kids, I do ask myself what am I being idolised for? for being the music fan equivalent of a train spotter and rattling off an in audible amount of bands?
Right today kids here's the 151,000 or so bands I am going talk about today. Pay close attention because I will be drooling about their musical importance for hours on end. I mean you could probably imagine me outside the venues lecturing the kids, actually you dint have to imagine that just turn up to any gig early and chances are that you will see me mouthing off and probably both annoying the ass off people.
here's another thing I don't really have much confidence in my appearance, So the other day I did the nouvel thing of going clothes shopping with my mum and my sister. Is it me or do other men find clothes shopping scary?
Well for me its pretty horrifying as I usually feel like an Over dressed hippo, plodding around, 'you've got to have more variety of colour' my sister said when I tried to explain to her that Black is pretty much the only colour I look good in. 'nonsense' she said flinging various coloured things my direction
'This makes my stomach feel like a pot bellied potato' I said as my bulge lolloped out into to a tight fitting hoodie. If you ever are going to make a big fat couch of a guy like myself feel good about themselves then don't give them tight fitting clothes because it will make them feel like a bloated wale.
I think that clothes shopping is generally one of the most uncomfortable experiences for me, I don't know if others feel the same way. but to me it feels like some form of overly devised torture.
I know that people arnt deliberately mean, its just that I cant help but feel persecuted by the changing room attendants because I don't have the skinny fit look of all the other wafer thin trendies that are lining up to try things out.
everyone in those shops makes me feel very nauseous, as I can see the Changing room attendants thinking 'He's going to look like an over sized toffee apple in that combination' as I try on various jeans and stuff.
The level of my self conscience shoots through the roof when my sister and my mum say I look cute in something. This lead to me saying that I looked like a stuffed pig.
You see I have the special ability to be able to put myself down even if I am in a really positive mood. And so every clothes shopping trip just usually descends into me hurling insults at myself.
I look like an Orang-utan posted in a chimp zoo whilst wearing and snug fit shirt, that I actually thought looked quite good on me. You see that's the nearest I come to complementing myself.
I have noticed recently that I have started to develop a bit of a stammer when talking to some people, its like as if my anxiety kicks in to overload.
So recently I have lost a lot of confidence with my speech, that's one of the many reasons why I have never been able to ask anyone out! or never really done house parties because of feeling really uncomfortable. The last house party I went to I wanted to hang myself, because I felt like I was being burden, even though there were lots of my friends there.
I guess the reasons why I am like this is because live music is the only thing that really makes me feel socially acceptable and I don't have to ruin their perceptions of me as I fumble with speech!