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Sunday, 21 November 2010

Oh Dears From An Idea

'kick off is neigh' I shouted out a loud in the middle of Broadmead, the shopping centre of Bristol. Decked out in a horribly musty old school shirt, black jeans and black and white face paint. Basically I looked like the deranged extra from Insane Clown Posse.

I shouted out 'We are all damned' whilst holding aloft a bottle of Ketchup. Now I probably know what you are thinking, what the hell was I doing in Broadmead with a bottle of tomato ketchup looking like black and white battered reprobate.

This was my attempt at performing a publicity stunt, to get the press to come and see my paranoid rap split personality Manic F.

I named him that because I swear I suffered with a type of depression called Manic Frustration Syndrome. So I was a manically frustrated rapper who used to get into peoples faces wearing black and white face paint and cover myself in tomato ketchup.

Basically I had decided it would be a good idea to try and do something top raise some publicity for an up coming gig. I had heard of bands like Manic Street Preachers who had chained themselves to a buildings and kind of cool things likem that, which I guess had been completely pre meditated so they could get the media there.

Mine was premeditated on the train into Bristol, I mean I managed to send out a few scratty delusional e-mails out to both ITV and BBC locally thinking ha, I can get the TV cameras out and about, with a big yeah boy style

You see my plan was to do something I don't think anyone had done, I had decided to try and impersonate one of those street preachers, you know the kind of people who are mentally estranged enough to think that mouthing off in public will convert people to christ.

My plan was pretty much full proof, or at least so I thought. I would get to the galleries in Broadmead and change in the toilets and get changed in the toilets, dont worry dear readers this is not the first times I have made an idoit of myself in such a way, there have been so many occasions in the past.

I walked through the shopping centre with sed clobber on, its fair to say that I had quite a few interesting stares come my direction, and even a few sniggers.

I waited quietly for the cameras to show up, you see I had quite clearly stated that I was doing this from 3pm, i know that the emails may have been misguided, but at very least they could have allowed me to make a class A twat out of myself in front of the TV watching nation. So after a while of waiting around I thought what the hell and just went for it! in my true sense of failing style, I mean what's the worst that could happen.

'The only way you can save yourself is if you come to my cathedral of noise' I said shoving photo copied fliers into peoples faces, most of whom looked a little startled which is not really surprising is it. how would you react to a big guy in black and white mottled face paint.

After a while things started to get a bit stale because I had started to get bored of scaring old dears nearly to death and playing up to chavy teenagers whilst running around.

So I looked about and saw a H & M store, brilliant I thought to myself as entered the shop. 'your shirts are made of pure vile' I screamed whilst chucking my hand made fliers, 'you are all scum' I shouted, which I know is not entirely true, as I was ushered towards the door.

I was then physically pretty much hauled outside because I had also doused myself in the tomato ketchup. You see kids after a while Ketchup does start to smell a bit funny and also itches. I mean I had it on a while and mixed with the face paint it kind of smelt of molten vinegar or fermenting vegetables.

After a while of not really getting anywhere and drawing the wrong kind of attention, I mean getting the eyes from the police as they passed on by was a little dis concerting. I mean I know I looked more then a little out of place, all you can do is ignore me.

so I trudged off to the train station, still covered in my mottled black and white face paint and itching tomato ketchup. My heart was slightly full of disappointment, as the day had not really met my expectations. I mean I really did expect to make some real headway in national media.

That and I had to wait because the train home was late, so it meant I had an entire platform of people piss themselves laughing at me "Oi Mickey Mouse' they all shouted. Ha Ha very funny I thought to myself with my head shrunk facing the ground. It was just another one of those Oh dears from and Idea

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